Daniel Goleman in his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, describes the amygdala hijack as an emotional response that is immediate, overwhelming, and out of measure with the situation. If you're someone who says, "I don't like conflict", when faced with a difficult conversation you may lose access to your prefrontal cortex - that part of your brain responsible for rational thinking. Unfortunately, making rational decisions is precisely what is required during difficult conversations. Emotionally-driven conversations are not often good for cultivating healthy professional relationships. And it's not just our rational thinking that gets highjacked either. In emotionally conflicting situations, the physical signs of stress will be outwardly visible to others — face turning red, the pace of speech speeding up, raised heart rate or that flee, fight or freeze reaction. That difficult conversation is compounded when the person we're dealing with starts feeling the same way and, before you know it, the conversation has derailed, and conflict intensifies. The good news for all of us is that, even though the amygdala reacts very quickly to significant emotional threats, it can be managed and, in some cases, even over-ridden. And here's the kicker... In a manager/leader role, you not only have to check your own emotions, but you may also need to coach others learn to manage theirs! The following hints for before, during and after difficult conversations will greatly improve the outcomes of any conversation, strengthen respectful relationships and contribute to a values-driven organisational culture. Before a Difficult Conversation 1. Check your Mindset. If you're gearing up for a conversation you've labelled "difficult," you're more likely to feel nervous and upset about it beforehand. Try re-framing it so that your emotions aren't the focus of your attention. For instance, label it "a coaching" conversation. Feel the difference? Re-framing in this way changes your mindset to deliver less anxiety for you, and less pain for the person with whom you're talking. 2. Be Prepared. Know your purpose and the outcomes you want to achieve. Do your homework and prepare the meeting with evidence. Noting down points can focus you on those matters that need to be made clear. Consider this a defensive action to preventing your own emotional hijack. Reflect on what you know about the other person. How do you think they perceive the imminent conversation? What are their needs and fears? What defensive arguments do you think they would suggest? How will you keep them on track while actively listening to their point of view? 3. Time and Place. Yep, there is a right time and place for everything, including conversations! Having a sense of security from the environment around us helps us to tackle our problems (and emotions) better. Your empathy for the other person is key when choosing the time and place. For instance, consider the perceived threat of a meeting held in your office versus a chat in a green outdoor space - are you in the business of developing capability or executing power over others? During a Difficult Conversation 1. Begin the Conversation with Professional Intent If you walk in all jumpy and brooding and tense, people pick up on that. If you walk in with a strong and grounded presence, people pick up on that, too. Some degree of mirroring naturally happens when we're around other people. This means you get to set the tone—and have the other person follow. Try these conversation starters:
2. Language. The language you use is very powerful and it takes commitment to notice how you speak and to minimise unhelpful (emotional) words and phrases like: " I need you to..." "What you need to do is..." "You're being...." Being centred, supportive, curious, problem-solving and empathic will greatly influence what you say and the success of the conversation (and the ongoing relationship). Try these alternate phrases: “Have you ever thought about…” “What do you think would happen if…” “This is only my impression, so correct me if I’m wrong. Could it be that…” 3. COIN your conversation The flow of your conversation can be assisted with a little logic and structure as follows:
emotions "make us pay attention right now—this is urgent—and gives us an immediate action plan without having to think twice. 4. Rhythm If the conversation gets heated, you may need to excuse yourself for a moment or reschedule the rest of the conversation. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I’d love to get a quick cup of coffee before we continue. Can I get you something while I’m up?” If your plan for the conversation isn't working, don't be afraid to reschedule 5. Listen (be prepared to be influenced) Despite all your preparation you might not have all the facts, nor the breadth of understanding needed to resolve the matter. Be curious about the other person's perspectives and a willingness to learn from them. If you don’t feed your counterpart’s negative emotion with your own, it’s likely they will wind down. If you genuinely listen to them, it's likely they will feel respected and heard. If you take on the truth of what they say, it's likely you'll get a better result to the issue/problem. 6. Ending a Difficult Conversation As with any meeting or involved discussion, agreements, disagreements, and action items are best summarised. The conclusion is a good place to remind the person once again, as you did during the initiation phase, that you have a professional working relationship based on a shared goal(s). After a Difficult Conversation After this type of interaction, it’s good if you can help your brain process what you’ve just been through. Try to write down and summarise the conversation you’ve just had. Writing down your own feelings can also help you make sense of them and feel a little more in control. If there are actions you need to take from the event, make a note of those, too. If your conversation didn't go as well as you'd hoped, after journaling your learning, do what you can to let it go. Replaying the conversation over and over in your head won’t help. Rest assured that you’ve written your notes and talked it over and that’s enough. After a negative experience remember to top-up your wellbeing level. Everyone will have different things that work for them, but movement is good. Go for a walk, a bike ride, have a dance, hit the gym, or whatever helps you physically shake off the stress of the day. If your conversation was mutually rewarding, make a note of what you did well and recognise the value of your effort. Congratulations! Well done!
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